In the course of your life you will find nothing more eye opening then when you begin to understand more about yourself. Everyone has a self-concept, or an image of who they are which leads them in the decisions they make and paths they take daily. In the search for higher education my path led me to an ally were I had to confront myself, and evaluate my self-concept. The person I saw myself as and the person I wanted to be were not in sync. This was not a new revelation for me, however, what was a revelation was the need to make a change. I have spent many years practicing impression management to avoid exposing my low self-esteem.
In DeVito’s (2009) book, The Interpersonal Communication Book, it defines impression management as, the process that we go through to communicate the impression we want others to have of us (p.71). The textbook also describes seven strategies used to achieve a desired impression; I, however, find that I use four of these strategies on a regular bases. (1) To Be Liked: Immediacy and Affinity-Seeking Strategies, (2) To Be Believed: Credibility Strategies, (3) To Hide Faults: Self-Monitoring Strategies, and (4) To Be Followed: Influencing Strategies (p.72-74).
My purpose for implementing these four strategies has to do with my self-image and how I viewed certain characteristics as a weakness. I have always viewed my self as, reserved, quiet, cautious, independent, reliable, ambitious, courteous, trusting, worried and vulnerable. However, some of these characteristics would make it easy for other to take advantage of me or to shy away from getting to know me and working with me. My goal, when applying the previously mentioned strategies is to manage the impressions I give to others; with the intent of “mastering the art of impression management to enable [me] to present [myself] as [I] want others to see [me]” (DeVito, p.72).
To Be Liked: Immediacy and Affinity-Seeking Strategies. This strategy focuses on using techniques that are known as affinity-seeking strategies; for example, being helpful, showing respect, helping someone feel more positive about themselves, or you can show interest by listing and engaging in self-disclosure. It is important for me to be liked any time I am in a new situation. No matter what situation, I must strive to present myself in a way that will gain instant satisfaction from those around me. For example, about three months ago I moved into a new area, which meant I would have to attend a different branch of my church. Upon my first visit, it became very clear to me that there were several self-employed and very successful individuals in this new congregation. To be liked, I tried an affinity-seeking strategy by trying to present myself as socially equal. I am self-employed, but I have not reached the level of success that many of those I was now surrounded by had. Therefore, I felt that to be liked I needed to appear to be at the same level of financial success as they were.
To Be Believed: Credibility Strategies. In this strategy one “…seeks to establish [their] competence, [their] character, and [their] charisma” (DeVito, p.73). For me, having credibility is so important. As a business development consultant I need my clients to view me as credible. It is important that clients view me as educated, knowledgeable, and confident in my abilities; they need to know that I can get the job done and that what I tell them is not only important but truth. It is true that I have had to fake it a time or two. And as my experience increases and the industry changes I have learned that “…manipulat[ing] the image you project isn’t about being phony or pretending to be something you’re not. It’s about making your audience receptive to the real you” (Lavington, 1997). In order to be believed, it is best to be you.
To Hide Faults: Self-Monitoring Strategies is when you monitor the things you say and do, not necessarily for the purpose of presenting a positive image, but because you are more interested in suppressing the negative images (DeVito, p.74). Barrick (2009) in his article What you see may not be what you get said, “Identity is the substance people see and judge as they size you up to determine your status, power and potential. It’s the way others glean the essence of who you are by the way you present yourself, the things you say, the way you speak and how you behave”. The first impression, we have four minutes to leave a lasting and valuable one; and in many cases I try to hide my faults. I really work on the vocabulary I use and I try to sound knowledgeable by discussing topics I know well. I have been told that I offer a lot of “happy talk”, or in other words I say more then I need to in order to make the listener feel as though I have done a good job of answering their question or solving their problem.
To Be Followed: Influencing Strategies; a technique used by those that want to be seen as a leader. This can be done through different techniques, but the two used most often are power and position (DeVito, p.74). When I worked in corporate America, it wasn’t enough for me to be just another employee; I needed to achieve a status of leadership. I wanted to be seen as a leader through my “title” or by being better then my peers. At times I am often driven to find and implement a new business practice that improves an older business model so that I can be seen as an innovator. One reason for starting my own business was to accomplish this impression of a higher status. Having employees and clients that look to me for direction and insight. I try hard to lead my industry in new ideas and insights in every day business practices. I also use this in my home with my wife and daughter. I am the head of the household and expect them to follow me when I act in righteousness.
There’s an old saying that a salesman is never selling a product, he’s selling himself. I believe that we are always selling ourselves. Relationships are formed on impressions and sometimes those impressions are formulated to achieve a specific goal or outcome. For example, on a first date both parties are typically trying to control the image the other person sees. First dates are explorative and generally impersonal, there is little disclosure and most of the time is spent evaluating each other. Each person has his or her own objective and goal they want to accomplish; and that is what they will be trying to sell the other person on. To the extent that they understand impression management, is what will enable them to succeed at their goals.
I previously mentioned that I use the above discussed impression management strategies to cover, or manipulate my low self-esteem. Simply stated by DeVito (2009), “self-esteem is a measure of how valuable you think you are” (p.58). You can have high self-esteem and think highly of yourself or low self-esteem which will cause you to think negatively about yourself. Your self-esteem can even have variations when it comes to certain topics. For example, I have recently watched as my self-esteem dramatically increased in the area of academics. From my passed experience in high school and one attempt at a semester of college, I had a self-image that portrayed a poor student. Every time I tried to perform well I defeated myself with a low self-esteem, I told myself that I was a poor student and that structured education was not for me. When I started this most recent semester of college, I still held my academic value as very low and completely expected to do poorly. However, throughout the semester I have repeatedly shocked myself with exceptional grades in all of my courses. The result of which has lifted my self-esteem to all new heights. Huitt (2009) clams, “…increasing self-esteem results when success is improved relative to expectations”. Now I expect to do go, now my academic value has risen to a new level and anything less would be unacceptable.
DeVito’s (2009) text provides five suggestions for improving self-esteem (p. 59-61) and there are three that I have had success using to increase my self-esteem. (1) Seek out nourishing people, (2) work on projects that will result in success, and (3) secure affirmation.
I want to point out why it is so important to evaluate your self-esteem and periodically make some improvements. The truth is, no one will value you more then you! If you place little value on your life, chances are that others will place the same amount of value on your life. Perera (2003) in his book Self-Esteem Secrets says, “self-esteem should matter because it can be the difference between success and failure, it affects your thinking (both positive and negative), it affects your confidence, and it affects your happiness” (p.5).
To seek out nourishing people is the concept of associating with people that are positive, optimistic, and uplifting (DeVito, p.60). Someone once said, “we become the combined average of the five people we associate with the most” (unknown). If we want to improve our self-esteem, and be affected in positive ways by friends, family, co-workers, and anyone else we must seek to associate with nourishing people. Another aspect to this concept is the idea that associating with people we can identify with can also increase our self-esteem. As an example, my brother in law and I have some of the same objectives in life, we both like many of the same things and we are able to discus different topics at an intelligent level. This has greatly improved my self-esteem because I have always considered him very intelligent and I find it very rewarding when he comes to me for consultations or to bounce ideas around. It shows that he values my insight and opinions it makes them more valuable to me, which increases my self-worth.
When I started my business, I knew very little about website design and coding. I experienced many failures and frustrations. I took on projects I knew I could not succeed at and slowly started to tell myself that I would never succeed. My self-esteem dropped quickly and I would get so angry with myself. What I needed to be focusing on were projects that I knew would result in success. Finally when I was close to giving up, I realized that I needed to focus on doing projects that would highlight my strengths. I started doing what I do best; I stopped taking the projects on myself and started outsourcing them to more qualified people. I then focused on other things that I was good at, like consulting and writing. Soon my success improved, my business grew and my self-esteem changed dramatically.
Securing affirmations has always been the most effective way of motivating me. At work, school, and home affirmations go a long way for me. Affirmations are “positive statements about yourself, statements asserting that something good or positive is true of you” (DeVito, p.60). My wife is very good at motivating me through affirmations. She will praise me for my successes and continually remind me of the great job I can do when I am struggling with a particular project. Many of my favorite books are filled with positive stories and affirmations that motivate me to succeed. A simple practice of mine is to take some of my favorite affirmations and repeat them to myself when I am discouraged and frustrated. Other times I find positive reinforcement when I listen to one of these positive books on audio or read through my notes from a seminar I recently attended. The emotions I had when I first heard or read the words are brought back and I feel good about myself, I feel great about who I am.
Throughout the study of interpersonal communication I have learned a great deal of information. More importantly I have learned to better understand relationships. I have become more familiar with myself, and the different concepts such as self-esteem and impression management that I use on a daily bases. This study has enabled me to improve the relationships I have with my wife, children, clients, and friends. I thought that I had it all figured out, I thought that I knew how to develop great relationships and I even thought that I understood myself, but in reality I was missing so many essential pieces to the puzzle. My eyes have been opened, my wife has gotten to say her favorite words, “I told you so”, and I am starting to better understand the delicate nature of effective relationship skills and how crucial they are to our lives. Steven Covey said, “Life is about creating great relationships” and it is all making more sense to me now.
References
Barrick, Murray R., Sandra W. DeGrassi, and Jonathan A. Shaffer. “What you see may not be what you get: relationships among self-presentation tactics and ratings of interview and job performance.” Journal of Applied Psychology 94.6 (2009): 1394+. Academic OneFile. Web. 1 May 2010.
DeVito, Joseph A. (2009). The Interpersonal Communication Book. Boston: Allyn & Bacon.
Huitt, W. (2009). Self-concept and self-esteem. Educational Psychology Interactive. Valdosta, GA: Valdosta State University. Retrieved 30 Apr. 2010, from http://www.edpsycinteractive.org/topics/regsys/self.html
LAVINGTON, CAMILLE, and STEPHANIE LOSEE. “Manipulate Your Image To Sell The Real You.” Management Review 86.6 (1997): 46. Academic OneFile. Web. 30 Apr. 2010.
Perera, Karl. (2003). Self-Esteem Secrets. Turkey: Self-Published.
