Gender, culture and other people’s perceptions of me have all played a huge roll in my self-concept, who I think I am. The theory that my religious beliefs, family traditions, gender stereotypes and how other people see me effects how I see myself is very interesting. The process of writing this paper has caused me to think hard about who I think I am. There is the me that I want people to think I am, but then there is the me I think I am.
Wearing a mask is something I generally associate with other cultures. However, I often wear different masks to shield myself from the unknown, and to prevent anyone form seeing the me I think I am. I am reserved, quiet, cautious, independent, reliable ambitious, courteous, trusting, worried and vulnerable. I do not consider myself as being sociable, talkative, careless, rude, self-satisfied, confident, attractive, fulfilled or accomplished. I try hard to portray to clients and others that I associate with a level of confidence that I don’t really have. In class for example, I feel like I wear a mask to cover my insecurities, and I do this by participating in the discussion which translates into a display confidence. When I make a comment, in the back of my mind I am concerned with how other people are judging me and if I am making an impression. I am very aware of the teacher and how he/she is receiving my comments. If I feel that the comment is not received well, I start to worry and stumble over my words hoping to say something of value.
A huge part of my culture that has had a profound impact on who I think I am is my religious beliefs. Being raised in a family that was rooted in the LDS faith I was taught many things that impacted who I am in ways I did not know at the time. Today, every decision I make, and the self-concept I have is based on one simple belief that I was taught from birth; I am a child of God. Even at a time in my life when I was verbally abused by adolescent peers because picking on the “fat kid” was easy, it was this simple understanding of knowing who I was that got me through. To this day I still think of myself as the “fat kid”, an unpopular outcast, which I believe affects my confidence.
My relationships are generally good. Which is a horrible thing! This life is all about developing relationships and connecting with people on so many different levels, therefore our relationships should be excellent. I am not elegant, I don’t have the right answers and sometimes I don’t know how to talk to my wife. I was trying so hard to be excluded from the male generalization of being poor communicators; unfortunately I am not as good at communicating, as I would like to be. I am reserved, and introvert, I keep things inside and try to figure them out on my own. My relationships suffer because of my inability to communicate my feelings and emotions. I find it more complicated to talk to people that are closest to me than I do when presenting to a group of people or talking with a client.
Failure is my biggest fear! Family, religion, business, friendships and school all have a bearing on my overall level of success. Failing in any of these aspects on any level is unacceptable. And although I think I do a good job of presenting success, I don’t view my self as a very successful person. As I apply more thought to this I am reminded of how I was raised. My dad seemed like a perfectionist when I was a kid. Things had to be done his way and they needed to be done the right way or it was not good enough. I am sure that I have acquired this attribute of perfection in all the things I do. It’s because of the fact that I demand too much from myself that I have this perception of being unsuccessful.
Who I think I am, is not who I want to be! I realize that I have the power and ability to change my self-concept, and so with this unavailing of my self-perception I need to make some changes. It’s somewhat depressing to make this observation of my self-concept. I could have written all about the masks that I wear and pretend to actually see myself as the person I want others to see. However, in reality, even when I try to see myself as others see me I feel fake, I know that I am deceiving myself, I don’t feel it, its not really me!
